Sunday, November 21, 2010

Gratitude and a heart full of THANKSGIVING

When I think of all I am grateful for I realize that my cup is not half empty, for it is full. It is full of friends that love us and take care of us, in so many small and enormous ways. They do for me what my heart always longed for.
I am thankful for my children who brighten Each and Every Day! I'm grateful for little children who hug me when they see me, or make me treats or send me sweet messages on Facebook saying they love me.

I'm am thankful that although I have been through so much that it is not Cold.

I am ever so thankful everyday for my sight......... for everything is beautiful if we just take a moment to take it all in.

I am thankful for a faith that has taught me so much more about myself than I ever imagined.

I am thankful for wisdom, and insight, kindness, generosity

Monday, September 13, 2010

I have thought alot about my life these days..........

don't get me wrong, I will continue to go about my days, with a smile on my face, but

The question is this.........

WHERE IS HE???????????

This was my question, my prayer to heavenly father today

Where is he......

Where is the man that will still my heart?

most importantly the man that will be a father to my beautiful children. this is where I worry the most. I worry that Jasmine will leave the house in just 4 years, never ever really having had, had a man, a father to do all the things fathers do. They protect you, and teach you life lessons. Teach you to drive. Chase the boys away.

I fear that what I set out to teach them so many years ago, will haunt there future... My darling oldest child speaks of having NO children and it not only saddens me but breaks my heart a litte more each time she says it with such conviction!
She speaks of never marrying...... and that causes me to believe that I taught her to trust no man, and that you can and should do it on your own.

HECK that was most definitely not the lesson i was desperately trying to convey!

The past haunts me late at night (like now) when the house is silent

The message I would love to have come across is private, and very personal but here it is.....
I ran and never looked back. So that I wouldn't lose myself anymore than I already had, in trying to "save" someone. I walked away because I could no longer recognize the woman in the mirror. I remember feeling like I was walking around in a fog, living someone Else's life. I became the woman that I had never imagined mysef to be. I had become that woman that would have to hide behind her walls, so no one could see what he had done. That was NOT the woman that I wanted my beautiful little girls to grow up and know.
I knew I was responsible for them not following a viscous cycle.

I simply wanted them to KNOW love, and most importantly to FEEL IT!

Again I say--WHERE IS HE!?

Where is that man that will make me believe that I can be safe and loved in the arms of a man.........Where is that man that will show me so much love that slowly I forget.

I have gone about life just fine....until now......I don't know who "he" is but the lack thereof, of a man in our home, is felt. And it causes me sadness.

My Serena feels things so deeply, I believe this is why she connects so beautifully with children. I see her heart break when there's a daddy daughter-whatever. I have felt the "sting" of her cold words, blaming me, for not staying. I know that she longs for that connection between a father and a daughter, and again it breaks my heart a little more Everyday.

Chance-never, not for one singe moment knew his father, and I knew the day would come that I wouldn't be enough......I knew the day would come when he would have questions, when he would come to know that our little family was not complete.

So, again I ask

WHERE IS HE?????..........................

Sunday, August 29, 2010

summer passed way too quickly......I'm just sayin.

summer days, never looked so good

I began my summer by going on a cruise to the Bahamas with my best friend that I haven't seen in 3 years!

That was AMAZING! and then some! It feels like a dream, not just a little of it, but all of it.

It felt like old times, but all grown up.

We rode horseback in the ocean. WOW!

We played in the sun, and explored the BAHAMAS, did I mention the BAHAMAS? we snorkeled even though I have fear of the open water in the ocean.

We went to ATLANTIS

We stayed up entirely way tooooo late, and woke up every morning (sometimes late morning) and ran to explore.......whatever new adventure that day had in store for us.

Some of the highlights and most amazing moments...

Sitting in the jacuzzi while it poured down raining.

eating dessert first everynight at dinner (because we could, and because dinner took way too long, and we were famished)

the private island when we tryed to soak in the entire day because we knew it was our last

staying up with our new friends, till everyone was soo tired they couldn't even speak because we knew it was our last night!

Melissa and I tripping over each other (in our little tiny room) trying to get dressed laughing our butts off.

The most fabulous guitar player I have ever met (hey my dad's more than amazing) LEO, who stopped playing one night in the middle of his "show" to ask me where I had been, and where I was going "lost my friends" as I stayed long enough to hear him play one more song..... to run off to find Melissa

Have you ever had one friend in your life that means the world to you. You grow up and life resumes, but there's always that place in your heart that is empty. Empty moments, that should've been shared with them. Empty laughs. I'm fortunate in this life to have 2 best friends. I dont' nor have I ever thrown that word "Best friend" around lightly. I'm just sayin!

I reserve the right to add to this "my summer passed way too quickly" as I will.

Friday, May 28, 2010

It's the getting there that makes us who we are........

often times something happens in our lives, that changes us, maybe even defines us a little...........

I've had a many of those moments, and for the most part, I have hung my head high and refused to see the darkness, or unfairness in this world. I chose to FIGHT, I choose to smile, I chose to LIVE.

Not always an easy task but that's what I'm made of. I'm hard on the outside, ready to take on anything and everything,(my 4'10 self thinks so) but those that know me best know that my heart is pure, and hopeful and giving, and resilent, and brave, and kind, and freaking GINORMOUS!

I am not bitter but hopeful, I am not lost but always seeking to find my self, my TRUE self.

We never truly lose our way, it's the getting there that makes us WHO we are, and if that means that we question everything, and trust our hearts, then that pardon me does not make me a fool, but wise. I not only encourage it but recommend it.

My past does not define me...
my illness (hydrocepalus) does not define me...
my undying belief that love, and life means I will get my HAPPILY EVER AFTER! Defines me.......

Even if it simply means I never give up hope....

That my friends is MY freaking HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Seasons become a part of our homes, they become traditons, they are welcomed.

So, for those of us who love spring, welcome it, we say come, stay awhile!

Spring has promise....
renewal of everything to once again come ALIVE!!!

My spirit longs to bloom right along with those tulips and cherry blossoms, and everything else wonderful beautiful and ViBrAnT and CoLOrFuL about spring. I want to wear sandals and pretty dresses and run and play with my kids in the yard and hear the laughter of the neighborhood children as I clean my house.

Some of us have hibernated right along with the wild and just can't stand it a day or moment longer.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

grocery store treat

I picked up some handsome fellow at the grocery store the other day! As in I'll throw in some fruit and apple chips YUMMY! and a oh can't forget to smile at the hottie, outside in the parking lot! Well.......apparently my smile was ENOUGH to bring him over. His line was "Did we go to school together, is that why you smiled at me" my reply as i Smile again, "nope, I'm not from here, for the record I smile at all the people, even old people, but you I smiled at cause you are cute" I said what i was thinking! EESH anyone that knows me knows that's just who I am. Well we chatted for a bit, longer as I continued happily smiling. UNTIL finally he asked if he could me his number and I handed him my phone. and told him to save it in there. We've been texting ever since. Even had plans but I had to cancel our day at the park laying on a blanket. (he's sick) He was worried about getting me sick too, my reply............"as long as you don't kiss me we will be just fine" heee hee WHERE oh WHERE do I come up with this STUFF. It's entertaining even to me, and it's my words coming out of my own mouth. :)

Well I suppose my suprise is that do people really pick each other up at the grocery store? I suppose my blog answers that question.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Dating......with it's unexpected (someone ordinary might say TWISTS and TURNS but not I my friends), I choose words that are far more descriptive such as Pull, and Yank, bend, curve possibly even twine and definitely zigzag

At the risk of sounding cynical, heck who am I kidding at the risk of becoming cynical and it finding a home in which to dwell, dating is full of constant disappointments, with almost absolutely NO payoff, except to remind oneself of the POSSIBILITY...........
of someone delightful,

I do not, I will not accept someone AVERAGE!
I can not accept someone average, because i am anything but ordinary.

My advice to myself...........keep trudging along.....and let those that didn't make the cut because of their inability to not only recognize and appreciate truth, but to honor and pay homage to it, eat my dust.