I have thought alot about my life these days..........

don't get me wrong, I will continue to go about my days, with a smile on my face, but

The question is this.........

WHERE IS HE???????????

This was my question, my prayer to heavenly father today

Where is he......

Where is the man that will still my heart?

most importantly the man that will be a father to my beautiful children. this is where I worry the most. I worry that Jasmine will leave the house in just 4 years, never ever really having had, had a man, a father to do all the things fathers do. They protect you, and teach you life lessons. Teach you to drive. Chase the boys away.

I fear that what I set out to teach them so many years ago, will haunt there future... My darling oldest child speaks of having NO children and it not only saddens me but breaks my heart a litte more each time she says it with such conviction!
She speaks of never marrying...... and that causes me to believe that I taught her to trust no man, and that you can and should do it on your own.

HECK that was most definitely not the lesson i was desperately trying to convey!

The past haunts me late at night (like now) when the house is silent

The message I would love to have come across is private, and very personal but here it is.....
-
I ran and never looked back. So that I wouldn't lose myself anymore than I already had, in trying to "save" someone. I walked away because I could no longer recognize the woman in the mirror. I remember feeling like I was walking around in a fog, living someone Else's life. I became the woman that I had never imagined mysef to be. I had become that woman that would have to hide behind her walls, so no one could see what he had done. That was NOT the woman that I wanted my beautiful little girls to grow up and know.
I knew I was responsible for them not following a viscous cycle.

I simply wanted them to KNOW love, and most importantly to FEEL IT!

Again I say--WHERE IS HE!?

Where is that man that will make me believe that I can be safe and loved in the arms of a man.........Where is that man that will show me so much love that slowly I forget.

I have gone about life just fine....until now......I don't know who "he" is but the lack thereof, of a man in our home, is felt. And it causes me sadness.

My Serena feels things so deeply, I believe this is why she connects so beautifully with children. I see her heart break when there's a daddy daughter-whatever. I have felt the "sting" of her cold words, blaming me, for not staying. I know that she longs for that connection between a father and a daughter, and again it breaks my heart a little more Everyday.

Chance-never, not for one singe moment knew his father, and I knew the day would come that I wouldn't be enough......I knew the day would come when he would have questions, when he would come to know that our little family was not complete.

So, again I ask

WHERE IS HE?????..........................