tinkizz410

Gratitude and a heart full of THANKSGIVING

2010-11-21T22:36:00.000-08:00

When I think of all I am grateful for I realize that my cup is not half empty, for it is full. It is full of friends that love us and take care of us, in so many small and enormous ways. They do for me what my heart always longed for.
I am thankful for my children who brighten Each and Every Day! I'm grateful for little children who hug me when they see me, or make me treats or send me sweet messages on Facebook saying they love me.

I'm am thankful that although I have been through so much that it is not Cold.

I am ever so thankful everyday for my sight......... for everything is beautiful if we just take a moment to take it all in.

I am thankful for a faith that has taught me so much more about myself than I ever imagined.

I am thankful for wisdom, and insight, kindness, generosity

2010-09-13T22:01:00.000-07:00

I have thought alot about my life these days..........

don't get me wrong, I will continue to go about my days, with a smile on my face, but

The question is this.........

WHERE IS HE???????????

This was my question, my prayer to heavenly father today

Where is he......

Where is the man that will still my heart?

most importantly the man that will be a father to my beautiful children. this is where I worry the most. I worry that Jasmine will leave the house in just 4 years, never ever really having had, had a man, a father to do all the things fathers do. They protect you, and teach you life lessons. Teach you to drive. Chase the boys away.

I fear that what I set out to teach them so many years ago, will haunt there future... My darling oldest child speaks of having NO children and it not only saddens me but breaks my heart a litte more each time she says it with such conviction!
She speaks of never marrying...... and that causes me to believe that I taught her to trust no man, and that you can and should do it on your own.

HECK that was most definitely not the lesson i was desperately trying to convey!

The past haunts me late at night (like now) when the house is silent

The message I would love to have come across is private, and very personal but here it is.....
-
I ran and never looked back. So that I wouldn't lose myself anymore than I already had, in trying to "save" someone. I walked away because I could no longer recognize the woman in the mirror. I remember feeling like I was walking around in a fog, living someone Else's life. I became the woman that I had never imagined mysef to be. I had become that woman that would have to hide behind her walls, so no one could see what he had done. That was NOT the woman that I wanted my beautiful little girls to grow up and know.
I knew I was responsible for them not following a viscous cycle.

I simply wanted them to KNOW love, and most importantly to FEEL IT!

Again I say--WHERE IS HE!?

Where is that man that will make me believe that I can be safe and loved in the arms of a man.........Where is that man that will show me so much love that slowly I forget.

I have gone about life just fine....until now......I don't know who "he" is but the lack thereof, of a man in our home, is felt. And it causes me sadness.

My Serena feels things so deeply, I believe this is why she connects so beautifully with children. I see her heart break when there's a daddy daughter-whatever. I have felt the "sting" of her cold words, blaming me, for not staying. I know that she longs for that connection between a father and a daughter, and again it breaks my heart a little more Everyday.

Chance-never, not for one singe moment knew his father, and I knew the day would come that I wouldn't be enough......I knew the day would come when he would have questions, when he would come to know that our little family was not complete.

So, again I ask

WHERE IS HE?????..........................

summer passed way too quickly......I'm just sayin.

2010-08-29T00:32:00.000-07:00

summer days, never looked so good

I began my summer by going on a cruise to the Bahamas with my best friend that I haven't seen in 3 years!

That was AMAZING! and then some! It feels like a dream, not just a little of it, but all of it.

It felt like old times, but all grown up.

We rode horseback in the ocean. WOW!

We played in the sun, and explored the BAHAMAS, did I mention the BAHAMAS? we snorkeled even though I have fear of the open water in the ocean.

We went to ATLANTIS

We stayed up entirely way tooooo late, and woke up every morning (sometimes late morning) and ran to explore.......whatever new adventure that day had in store for us.

Some of the highlights and most amazing moments...

Sitting in the jacuzzi while it poured down raining.

eating dessert first everynight at dinner (because we could, and because dinner took way too long, and we were famished)

the private island when we tryed to soak in the entire day because we knew it was our last

staying up with our new friends, till everyone was soo tired they couldn't even speak because we knew it was our last night!

Melissa and I tripping over each other (in our little tiny room) trying to get dressed laughing our butts off.

The most fabulous guitar player I have ever met (hey my dad's more than amazing) LEO, who stopped playing one night in the middle of his "show" to ask me where I had been, and where I was going "lost my friends" as I stayed long enough to hear him play one more song..... to run off to find Melissa

Have you ever had one friend in your life that means the world to you. You grow up and life resumes, but there's always that place in your heart that is empty. Empty moments, that should've been shared with them. Empty laughs. I'm fortunate in this life to have 2 best friends. I dont' nor have I ever thrown that word "Best friend" around lightly. I'm just sayin!

I reserve the right to add to this "my summer passed way too quickly" as I will.

It's the getting there that makes us who we are........

2010-05-28T21:08:00.000-07:00

often times something happens in our lives, that changes us, maybe even defines us a little...........

I've had a many of those moments, and for the most part, I have hung my head high and refused to see the darkness, or unfairness in this world. I chose to FIGHT, I choose to smile, I chose to LIVE.

Not always an easy task but that's what I'm made of. I'm hard on the outside, ready to take on anything and everything,(my 4'10 self thinks so) but those that know me best know that my heart is pure, and hopeful and giving, and resilent, and brave, and kind, and freaking GINORMOUS!

I am not bitter but hopeful, I am not lost but always seeking to find my self, my TRUE self.

We never truly lose our way, it's the getting there that makes us WHO we are, and if that means that we question everything, and trust our hearts, then that pardon me does not make me a fool, but wise. I not only encourage it but recommend it.

My past does not define me...
my illness (hydrocepalus) does not define me...
my undying belief that love, and life means I will get my HAPPILY EVER AFTER! Defines me.......

Even if it simply means I never give up hope....

That my friends is MY freaking HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

2010-04-29T23:58:00.000-07:00

Seasons become a part of our homes, they become traditons, they are welcomed.

So, for those of us who love spring, welcome it, we say come, stay awhile!

Spring has promise....
hope.....
renewal of everything to once again come ALIVE!!!

My spirit longs to bloom right along with those tulips and cherry blossoms, and everything else wonderful beautiful and ViBrAnT and CoLOrFuL about spring. I want to wear sandals and pretty dresses and run and play with my kids in the yard and hear the laughter of the neighborhood children as I clean my house.

Some of us have hibernated right along with the wild and just can't stand it a day or moment longer.

grocery store treat

2010-03-24T07:48:00.000-07:00

I picked up some handsome fellow at the grocery store the other day! As in I'll throw in some fruit and apple chips YUMMY! and a oh can't forget to smile at the hottie, outside in the parking lot! Well.......apparently my smile was ENOUGH to bring him over. His line was "Did we go to school together, is that why you smiled at me" my reply as i Smile again, "nope, I'm not from here, for the record I smile at all the people, even old people, but you I smiled at cause you are cute" I said what i was thinking! EESH anyone that knows me knows that's just who I am. Well we chatted for a bit, longer as I continued happily smiling. UNTIL finally he asked if he could me his number and I handed him my phone. and told him to save it in there. We've been texting ever since. Even had plans but I had to cancel our day at the park laying on a blanket. (he's sick) He was worried about getting me sick too, my reply............"as long as you don't kiss me we will be just fine" heee hee WHERE oh WHERE do I come up with this STUFF. It's entertaining even to me, and it's my words coming out of my own mouth. :)

Well I suppose my suprise is that do people really pick each other up at the grocery store? I suppose my blog answers that question.

Dating

2010-03-05T22:49:00.000-08:00

Dating......with it's unexpected (someone ordinary might say TWISTS and TURNS but not I my friends), I choose words that are far more descriptive such as Pull, and Yank, bend, curve possibly even twine and definitely zigzag

At the risk of sounding cynical, heck who am I kidding at the risk of becoming cynical and it finding a home in which to dwell, dating is full of constant disappointments, with almost absolutely NO payoff, except to remind oneself of the POSSIBILITY...........
of someone delightful,

I do not, I will not accept someone AVERAGE!
I can not accept someone average, because i am anything but ordinary.

My advice to myself...........keep trudging along.....and let those that didn't make the cut because of their inability to not only recognize and appreciate truth, but to honor and pay homage to it, eat my dust.

I celebrate

2010-01-09T22:33:00.000-08:00

The holdiays came, and went. Me, oh, my it certainly is proving to be true........

"The older you get, the faster time flys"

I often wonder what we might do with the information passed down to us, if we actually believed it.

I love winter, because I especially love to see everything renewed, one doesn't have to wait for the New Year, but simply look outside when it snows at the branches holding onto the snow, as if it is embracing it, holding on to it.

Some of us are haunted by "holding on", some of us don't spend enough time,time in the past to fully appreciate the changes within ourselves.

Seasons are a reflection of time and change.

I believe that as we go through this life, we come in contact with people that are supposed to teach us, show us something about ourselves we might not ever have discovered if we hadn't met them. Some people help us to see things in a whole new light, others darken our space, and we have to find the strength from within to turn back on light. Others help us see things a little more clearer. Others cry with us, and laugh with us, they celebrate our joys, and feel our sorrows. For the most part we come to know who we are through other people.

To those I love I celebrated you this season, I celebrated wonderful friends that help me everyday to not forever harden my heart. I celebrate how far i've come. I celebrate that I recognize my blessings, and where they come from. I recognize and celebrate, a mind that allows me to learn and expand it's knowledge. I celebrate my untraditional family, and I celebrate that I kick butt as a single mom. I dont' dwell..... on what would life be like if.... I only have a hope and a promise of what someday will be like when we find that special someone that will add to our happiness and our home. I celebrate life and health and sight for which to see all that I love. I celebrate Me.

2009-10-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

Change-

Change of Season........................................................

Is something we all look forward to! With the vibrant reds, and oranges and yellows, it gives me an extra spring in my step. It makes me want to close my eyes....... as I'm outside, and fully extend my arms out to the wind........It's refreshing, invigorating. Somehow it has a renewing effect, on our body, mind, and souls. It takes us back to yesterday, and almost makes us skip along, to tomorrow.

We stay outside.........a little longer
We take in all the vibrant colors...........
We think of warm sweaters, and hayrides, and football games, and pumpkins, and costumes, and trick or treating, candy apples, and candles and ovens once again filling our homes........with all sorts of home cooked meals and yummy treats... Soup, and cornbread and chili, and cookies and rolls............
We think of cozy blankets
We think of apple cider

I was brought to this thought-- If Autumn is a season of changing and so many of us look forward to it, then why is every other change in our lives looked upon so differently??
Why is there an instant feeling of impending "doom" so to say?
Why must we hold on to change, and not want to release it?
We change our socks everyday, but changing our habits, even if it's our hearts desire, is so very challenging, so effortful?
I wonder as silly as this seems what if we slowly began to look @ change as the expected, the anticapted arrival of the colors of our lives unseen, if we could embrace it? Appreciate it, and savor it like the gentle breeze that this Autumn season brings us? What if change was an opportunity for us to change?

2009-10-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

My Testimony in Reading the BOOK of MORMON

2008-12-02T21:07:00.000-08:00

My, my how far I’ve come! Literally and figuratively speaking. The Gospel Represents so much in my life, but in finally finishing reading the Book of Mormon I feel that it has come full circle.

I am reminded of the first time that I actually read, (cause the missionaries told me to) I began in 1 Nephi ( I was told to read something else but I’m a rebel so I read from the beginning) ch 4:18 “therefore I did obey the voice of the spirit, and took Laban by the hair of the head and I smote off his head with his sword!! I was shocked, and I slammed shut the book of MORMON!!! And I thought “that’s, that. On to my quest for finding the true faith.

When the missionaries came back, I was a spitfire, I could not grasp my previous teachings long enough to understand heavenly fathers concept that there are times that he is going to command us to do things that we are going to question.

Full circle means that spiritually I am in a place that I have not traveled, it’s amazing to be able to reflect back on the growth, it’s pretty spectacular, to look @ where I was, and to be able to look @ the here & now.

It took me 3 years and 4 months! The best part is that I still have the very piece of paper that a missionary wrote a schedule of my reading. As I look back I am able to clearly see that the times that I was consistent and CLUNG on to the BOOK of MORMON as my lifeline, were the times I was the least uncertain, the times that I faithfully read in the morning and the evening are the times that I felt my Saviors love, and the sad but honest truth is that when I closed off everything and everyone and built walls around me, and even kept heavenly father @ arms lenght were the times I was the most uncertain, the times I felt the most lost. There are times that I read alone in the silence in my room, and there were times that I read with a friend, times I read in the bathroom as I was giving chance a bath, or waiting for an appointment, times that I read under a tree swinging in a hammock, and times that I read in a closet to find some quiet. the point is it doesn't matter when you read, it just matters that you do............

Not only has my testimony strengthened but my desire to be a better mother, sister, friend, and follower of our savior Jesus Christ. I think of all the sacrifices that went into being able to hold the Book of Mormon in my hands, and I am filled with a gladness that one can only receive from the truthfulness of the words that were written to encourage, motivate, and uplift not only ourselves but one another.

Moroni 10:4 If ye ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you……………

The book of mormon’s promise
You will find greater power to resist temptation
You will find the power to avoid deception
You will find the power to stay on the straight and narrow path

As I contemplate this I find these promises EMPOWERING!

what I love most

2008-10-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

Riding my bike (before it got stolen)
the smell of Downy & gain apple mango tango---
cheesecake
cooking and new recipes
journaling
vacations
Yoga
my kids smiling faces
warm fuzzy socks
pj's
little kids laughter & singining too gosh darn cute
fall
winter
snow
christmas
having dinner guests over
entertaining
new shoes
listening to music